It’s really interesting when you meet someone. You have no idea about their past, about who they are and yet you can let yourself let them in. My life has been nothing but, a whirlwind lately. I’m not a writer, I’m actually quit terrible at writing and expressing my feelings but, trying to do so makes me feel a tiny bit better. I’ve been called to serve as a missionary to the Salt Lake City West Mission. I started my mission papers in April and it took a good, long, stressful, six months. I got my call and all I can feel is nothing but, Satan. It’s a constant nag that I’m not good enough and it’s all I feel. Satan knows us all. Which means he knows our weaknesses, he knows what hurts us the most, he knows, what makes us feel inferior. For me, it’s boys. It’s feeling and emotions and letting them in only to have them let me down. It’s being “A girl like me” who likes “a boy like him”. The funny thing is that I’ve been lied to so many times by boys. I can’t even count. For a two year relationship I was lied to the entire two years. I’ve been used so many times. I’ve been used by a boy who just wanted to make me do bad things because I’m a Mormon and he wanted to prove that Mormons aren’t perfect and need to have more “fun” in their lives. But, the used I just got these past two or three weeks hurts more than that. Idk why. Maybe because they were empty words. Maybe because being lied to about how amazing someone thinks I am can really do wonders on your self esteem. But maybe because to be honest, I’ve been doubting my feelings for this boy the whole entire day mainly because it freaked me out and because I know that I still have feelings for my ex & I didn’t want to hurt his heart. But, I never thought that things would happen the way they just did. I never thought that someone could lie so easily to me and hurt me so easily. I never met someone who could change their feelings so quickly.
I understand first loves. I understand how they are always there. I understand feeling like you are meant to be with someone. I understand that, I understand feeling like you have to fight for someone. But, I also know how much that can hurt you and how much you can loose by chasing after someone and fighting for someone who may not ever love you the way you love them. It’s painful. I dated a boy for two years and I just knew he was it. I loved him so insanely much and it took me therapy and a whole heck of a lot of time to heal from him but, I still to this day wonder if maybe when he comes home things will rekindle. Because I will always love him. I may not be in love with him right now but, I know that when I see him again that could very easily happen.
I think the thing that hurts me the most is that I feel like I’m always a second option to boys. And I refuse to let that happen anymore. It doesn’t hurt because I just got dropped by a boy out of nowhere but, it hurts that he lied to me. It hurts that he made me feel comfortable enough to let him in. It hurts that he dropped me for another girl. I swear there is nothing that hurts worse than that. Knowing that you aren’t good enough for someone. That another girl is prettier, better, sweeter, she’s better than you. That hurts. Being lied to hurts. It hurts when they don’t even say sorry to you. It hurts so bad.
Tonight I felt alone. Completely alone. I felt confused and angry and hurt. I still do but, my storm was calmed by my Savior. People are gonna hurt us all our lives. People are gonna let you down, they’re gonna lie to you even when they don’t think at the time they are. Your heart is gonna get broken countless times but, I have to believe that there is someone out there who isn’t going to mess with my heart, who isn’t going to play games with me and who is going to treasure my heart and never doubt his feelings for me. I’ll be it for him. I have to believe that every heart ache and break I have felt will all be worth it when I’m with that man. I have to trust and know that my Savior isn’t going to leave me comfortless and that I’m his precious daughter so he will send one of his precious sons to take care of my heart. I HAVE to believe that and trust my Heavenly Father. I have to give him my heart for the next 18 months so I can better myself. So I can become a better Mother, Wife and a better Person in general. So I can focus on the people of Salt Lake City West and love them with my entire heart and serve them with all of my being. So from here on out I’ve taken my heart and given it to the Savior and locked it up until I come home and until he sees fit a man to take it and take care of me. No more games. I know who I am, a Daughter of God and, I know I deserve better than that.
As much as I’ve been hurt I don’t ever want any of those boys to be unhappy. I once cared deeply for them so, I pray for their happiness and I learn to forgive them and move on.
Forgiveness will always be key. It will never be easy but, it will always be worth it.
I just want to find someone who will love me the way Cory loves Topanga.
I haven’t been on tumblr in far too long. Idk why maybe because my laptop broke and my phone wasn’t cutting it. But, I just need to vent about my feelings. I’m pretty bad at wording things, especially my emotions, so bear with me.
Sometimes life makes absolutely no sense. and when I say that, I mean that these past two months have probably been two of the hardest months of my life and have made zero sense in my mind. Between trying to get my papers done and having relationships come out of nowhere and letting my heart open when I shouldn’t have and working and trying to not let my faith shake when Satan does all he can to make me doubt myself, doubt my worth and doubt my Heavenly Father.
I guess I should’ve known when I started my papers six months ago, that Satan was going to be on me as fast as he could. But, I guess I just didn’t understand how hard things were going to be. I started my papers really excited and ready to go and cleared everything up with my amazing bishop who took such good care of me. Being mostly done my online application my Bishop got released and I got this new Bishop who I had a really hard time liking…as bad as that sounds. I didn’t feel comfortable with him and so I just kinda stopped my papers. When I finally realized how dumb that was, I made my physical and dental appointments. I then found out I had no insurance for my physical and had to find a way to pay on my own. Which I managed. Then I had 1000000 dental issues and I had to wait to do anything until I came back home to Pennsylvania and at this point I had no idea if I even could have gone. When I came home it took a while but, miracles do occur and I was able to get passed on my dental. When that finally happened, what do you know, a boy has to pop into my life. I think the thing that frustrated me the most about this is that I was at BYU I do for 2 years and I didn’t meet one guy..not one that I liked or felt good around. So, when I do find someone here naturally, you think to yourself why not? Once I let that thought in my whole entire mindset crumpled. He was great. Literally the best boy I ever let in. and I was happy. At the same time I had everyone in my ear telling me how wrong I was and telling me that I should just be focusing on my mission. Telling me what they think is best for me and anything I said was wrong. My feelings and head just kinda stopped working. I lost complete desire to go on my mission. Then, said boy decides we should end things so I can focus on my mission. Nothing against him. He’s great and I know he did what he felt was right for him and for me. And that’s okay.
That’s when I think I kinda just hit rock bottom for a little bit. It’s weird. It’s really weird to be really happy and then feel like happiness gets taken right from underneath you and you are just 100% confused and angry and hurt. I drove home that night and did nothing but cry. Stupid and sappy but, I was seriously just done. It’s a true sign that Satan knows our weaknesses and what can really hurt us. In my case, my heart. I care very deeply and when my feelings are involved they are really involved. I thought to myself why? Like seriously why now? Why is it that my whole life, I’ve picked really not nice boys to date. Boys who have treated me really badly and have shown me no respect at all. Why did I not meet one good LDS boy in Idaho and I come home to PA where there is no members and find probably one of the best boys out there. And when I do meet him, I can’t even have him. All because I decided six months ago to go on a mission. I felt like the decision to go on a mission was a punishment and I was angry and I hate to say it but, I got really angry at my Heavenly Father. I didn’t get it and I just felt lost. I love the gospel and I love Church but, in Church the next day, I didn’t even know how to be happy and I was angry and sat there miserable and just wanted to cry all day. i wanted to scream and I didn’t know how to get out of this place I was in. My Mom, of course, noticed and after Church she took me outside and we talked for a long time and I literally poured my heart out to her about everything and bawled my eyes out to her. and she understood. My mom is probably the very best mom in this world. She’s so compassionate and loving it’s incredible. She helped me a lot as she ended up in a similar situation with my Dad. And she helped . but, as the next day came around I just felt worse and I got worse and worse. and I just feel like I got depressed. I just don’t know what was wrong with me but, i was angry. Every time someone brought up my mission I just felt sick.
I’ve always heard that when you don’t feel like praying, that’s when you probably should. One night I decided to get over myself and kneel down and just tell Heavenly Father how I felt and spill my heart and soul to him. So I did. I literally pleaded with him and told him I couldn’t do it anymore I just couldn’t and I needed his help and I was confused and I didn’t know what to do with myself and how to find happiness and a desire to get on my mission. I told him everything. I finally fell asleep
When I woke up the next morning I just remember feeling okay. I didn’t feel good but, I felt okay, I felt better. As the day went on I began to feel even better. That night I prayed again and poured my heart out again. The next day I felt on fire again. My desire came back full force to serve a mission and I realized that a Mission isn’t a punishment, it’s not a sacrifice it’s a blessing and it’s going to help me be a better wife, mom and person and I realized that Heavenly Father isn’t punishing me at all but, helping me become the BEST person I can be and helping me reach my full potential. I realized that he knew best and that he has never forsaken me and he wasn’t going to do so now. The thought of all the people I am going to teach came to my mind and my heart was full. Things still weren’t necessarily easy but, I was better and I felt like I found joy again. I was kicked in gear and all I wanted to do was go be the very best sister missionary I could possibly be. I stopped doubting my Heavenly Father and decided to give him my heart 100%. I realized I couldn’t be on the fence anymore. I knew a mission was right so I needed to be 100% dedicated to that. So, that’s what I was going to be.
I continued on and pressed forward. I met with my Bishop for what, I thought would be my bishop’s interview and I was ready to go. Then my Bishop informed me that, due to financial reasons I probably would not be able to put my papers in until sometime next year. Took me by complete surprise and I cried..again. (typical me haha) I again began to think. Well, maybe I’m not supposed to go maybe this isn’t right. But, I knew. You just know sometimes and I knew I needed to go on a mission. I knew there were lives out there that needed me. Hearts only I could touch. And I knew I needed to trust in Heavenly Father’s timing. Which is the hardest thing in the world. Once I felt a little better, everything fell into place. Huge miracles occurred and a week later I met with my bishop again and we made an appointment for this Wed to have my Bishops interview and my Stake Presidents interview and then my papers will finally be in.
Heavenly Father is aware of us. He’s aware of our hearts. He’s aware of our fears. He’s aware of our doubts, of our weaknesses and He knows when we are hurting beyond anything we can handle. And it’s important for us to remember and to know that he in fact, will never ever forsake us. He is there always right by our side. The thing is, sometimes we don’t reach out and take his hand. We don’t let him help us. He willl always be by our sides waiting we just have to turn to him and once we do he will make everything okay. That doesn’t mean problems won’t occur, that doesn’t mean that life is going to be perfect and all your pain will be gone but, he will be there as someone we can lean on for 100% comfort and strength. He will walk with us and if need be, carry us through the hard times we face. We aren’t ever alone and even when we feel we are, we are not. It is important to never forget that. It’s important to trust in his timing. “faith in God includes faith, in his timing.” He knows all. He knows whats best for us. We don’t. If we trust in him we will never ever fail. We cannot fail with him by our sides.
I can’t even begin to express the joy I will feel when my papers are in. When I get my call and I’m able to find out where the Lord needs me. I can’t wait to share this amazing gospel to the world. There is no greater joy and no better blessing. I love this gospel. I love my Savior, more than I could ever ever possibly express. He is my rock and he is my Best Friend. I am eternally grateful to him for testing my faith and trying my patience and helping me grow into the person I need to be.
let it change your life.